Watchmen Fanboy nitpicking… possibly spoilery

Part one: FFS Zack.

1. Someone should take Slow-Mo away from Zack Snyder until he learns how to use it responsibly. Really, you could knock off half an hour of runnign time if you just stopped treating every action sequence as violence porn (or just plain old porn for the sex scenes).

2. We know it’s A Significant Story, stop telling us. So much signposting. Much of it with Slow-mo. It’s treating Watchmen like Shakespeare, and you know what else sucks when you treat it like this? Shakespeare. Really, Moore’s plotting, characterisation and dialogue are strong enough to stand without the support of LOOK AT THIS tics.

3. “Rorshach and Comedian are sociopaths. We just kill, err, anyone who gets in our face.” I don’t remember that from the comic. Weakens Rorshach and Comedian by making Laurie and Dan just as psychotic. Oh, and Chain Guns on Archie? WTF?

4. “Hi, I’m Adrian Veidt, simpering Euro-trash” I know, Robert Redford isn’t 35 any more, and Brad was tied up with Benjamin Button. But really.

5. “Gratuitous gore is TEH KEWL!” Watchmen needs quite a bit of gore already to be authentic. Bits of gangster on the ceiling? Not so much.

6. Moving my favourite bit of dialogue to a different pair of characters. “It all worked out, didn’t it? In the End?” “Nothing ever ends, Adrian.” Ah, sue me, they’re MY nitpicks.

7. Crouching Night-Owl, Hidden Rorshach. IMHO, I think only Ozymandias should get to do the borderline inhuman physical stuff. Rorshach doing matrix jumps? Eww.

8. … Heartless? I don’t know if anyone coming to this film would care about anyone enough. Seemed oddly sterile for most of the time. Like a polybagged first edition of a rare comic. You see what I did there?

Part Two: Stuff that wasn’t Zack’s fault.

1. The guys behind me in the cinema. I don’t know if you’re stoned, psychotic or just extremely badly socialized geeks, but the appropriate response to any example of graphic violence is NOT a high pitched giggle. Maybe they weren’t paying atttention to all the cues, but when the Big Blue Guy explodes the Little Asian Guys, he’s not being a hero according to any definition I know.

Part Three: Stuff that worked

1. The Big Plot Change. Yeah, makes sense, more plot-economical

2. The rest of the casting. As near to note perfect as makes no odds. Probably why the freakishly awful casting of Ozymandias stands out.

3. Design, effects, and the whole visual shebang. Primarily because they were committed to not fecking up the excellence of Gibbons and Higgins design.

4. You see that big list of 8 things? None of them are a film killer, though the slow-mo and the lack of human connection come close at times.


4 thoughts on “Watchmen Fanboy nitpicking… possibly spoilery

  1. By all means, say that he simpers. Call him an effete fop, a lackadaisical pansy or a big girl’s blouse if you must, but using the lazy Euro-trash just marks you as a xenophobic provincial. Also, it’s archaically hyphenated.

    1. I was using it to indicate what I thought were Snyder’s intentions in casting, as all American white bread Rothschild boy from the comic, a pale, simpering, weedy, lisping, non-localised, tashy euro-accented guy as pandering to his ongoing xenophobia that god forbid the bad guy should be American and straight. Why not go the whole hog and cast Eddie Izzard as Ozymandias? Even the names sound similar. Nah, Eddie’s too chunky across the shoulders. Xenophobic? Provincial? Deary me, some of my best pretend friends are colonials. I prefer to think of myself as charmingly parochial. And somewhat a) European and b) trashy.

      1. Oh. OK, I didn’t get your register. I won’t apologise or take it back because it was too much fun writing the comment, but please accept this acknowledgement that I now understand what you meant and agree with you. Izzard’s gone all faux-serious these days, after The Riches and putting on all that weight. I can see him as an Orson Welles manque, but I think he’s lost that antic energy that would once have made him perfect spandex tights material.

      2. The full irony of this is still sinking in: I thought you were an American repeating the Euro-trash line, which I come across quite a lot, now that I live in the US. I thought for a good 4 minutes before deciding to rise to the bait. Perhaps I should have used that time to read your user profile…

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