Sheesh, Spiderman 3

Yes, finally got to see it.

It felt like I was watching one of those absurd movies edited down from a whole season of a TV show. I can only guess that either chunks of the script were hacked out or there’s another hour of footage on the cutting room floor… all because there was WWWAAAAAAYYYY too much plot and not enough reason for it.

WHY did Peter put the black suit in the suitcase after wearing it for one not too bad night?

HOW did Eddie find out about Marko’s family, his big hate on of Spiderman… and well, anything leading up to the villain team-up smackdown?

WHY did Peter go into the bell tower to take off the black suit?

And so on and so on…

Now, there are good sequences in this, especially Peter being a dick in the jazz club, but too much was like, “MJ’s in a play! And now she’s not! Harry’s lost his memory! And now he hasn’t! And now he’s being a dick to MJ! And now he’s a good guy and saving her! Eddie’s beaten Peter to the job! No he hasn’t! Gwen may have left him but no-one’s really sure! Peter wants to kill Sandman! But Sandman’s daughter has cancer of the puppy, so it’s okay he killed Ben!”

All too often, especially at the end, Raimi, the cast and the fergawdssake soundtrack (beaten into pulp from the original rehash of the Batman music that Danny Elfman nodled out for the first movie) were claiming emotional notes that had not been earnt. Now, given the cast, you can paper over the cracks (Maguire and Dunst really put the Fun into dysfunctional in their scenes), but dammit, the cracks are still there because the walls paper thin itself and… dammit, the metaphor’s fallen down as well now.

You’ve probably seen the publicity photos of the black suit crawling over Peter / Eddie? That’s how it felt watching the film, though for black suit read “stupid.” I came away with stupid all over me.

Which is a damn shame because it’s nearly an OK film. I can nearly no brain and just let it wash over me, but, goddamn it… Sam Raimi. Tobey Maguire. Spiderman. How can you feck it up?*

On my Film Scriptwriting Course That Won’t Ever Exist Because I Have No Relevant Experience, this will go right after “thomas and the magic railroad” in the script doctoring class: “Watch this movie and then tell me in detail how it could have been saved either in the script or edit stages.”

*Oh, apart from, once again, stop spiderman from making sarcastic comments during fights, which he only does when he’s being bad Spidey. Is it wrong that the video games for spiderman have got this more right than the movies?

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3 thoughts on “Sheesh, Spiderman 3

  1. *Oh, apart from, once again, stop spiderman from making sarcastic comments during fights, which he only does when he’s being bad Spidey. Is it wrong that the video games for spiderman have got this more right than the movies? That’s always been my biggest complaint about the Spider-Man movies. It’s like, “Have you read the comics? Do you not understand that Spider-Man was doing the sarcasm-&-snark-in-fights schtick long before Joss Whedon came around?” I really like the movies (I even liked the 3rd, although it was definitely the weakest of the three), but man, the fact that Spider-Man rarely wisecracks, and almost never in fights, really frustrates me.

    1. Hey, my kids quote lines from the ultimate SM game; “Is that a horn on your hear or are… you… just… I am so scared right now, I can’t even finish my lame joke.” So, he’s not spiderman. Peter Parker, yes, but otherwise, another guy in a gimp suit. There’s a reason Nick Brendon was considered for the role (and another few why he wasn’t cast).

  2. What a strange episode of synchronicity. I watched Spiderman 3 for the first time last night as well. I’ll refrain from being critical as it was purely for brain off entertainment with the kids. I will say that it was probably running too many storylines for my 3 and 5 year olds to follow but the action more than made up for it.

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